More Dating Malarky

Oh dear me … I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much as I have done today.  I downloaded the Iphone app for the dating website I’m on, so that me and Mehreen could check out some of the responses I was getting (I don’t think she quite believed some of the messages I was receiving and the pictures of the men sending them … it’s been like a damp squib so far!). 

It seems that with this particular website, you only really get messaged when you log on.  Ergo, the more you’re logged on, the more messages you received (no flaming wonder I wasn’t getting many messages then and I thought it was my dodgy profile!).

Within 2/3 minutes of entering my log on details, I got 9 messages/winks (I hate that ‘wink’ thingy.  What’s that all about? … and what are you supposed to do if someone winks at you?  To me it’s a cop out for not bothering to email someone … that might be just me … maybe I’m getting it all wrong and there’s a hidden agenda to it?  Answers on a post card please).

So after the initial barrage of messages and a quick giggle at some of the photos … you just wouldn’t believe it … I think the website should be titled “www.uglymen.com” … is that harsh?  Like I said to Mehreen, as she was pulling her face at some of the uglier pictures, “Do good looking men have to go on dating websites?”  It’s surely easier for men to find a partner than it is women because: 

a)     they can go out drinking on their own and don’t look sad and lonely

b)    they have a wider field to play in … I recently saw a friend of an Ex of mine from about 20 years ago (he must be about 45 now) who was dating someone at least 20 years younger than him.  Fair play to him, but it’d be much harder for a woman to do that … I’m not saying it’s not possible, but how many of your girl-friends do you know who date men more that 3 or 4 years younger than they are?  Apart from anything (and I really am trying not to be sexist here … honest) aren’t the majority of men still like little boys no matter how old they get … so the younger you go, you could end up dating someone akin to your nephew!  Well, I think I might leave it there in case I’m getting myself in real hot water here!

c)     It’s more acceptable for a bloke to approach a woman … is it acceptable for a woman to approach a man?  I dunno any more, maybe it’s my age!

Anyway, I got this really nice message from a guy who said that he bred horses and lives in the Midlands.  He had no picture (I’ve put that I won’t respond to people who have no picture … for obvious reasons ie they’re usually married) but he said that he thought he was good looking and had genuine reasons for not posting his pic (apparently, he’d met some nutter on the website … nice!).  It’s amazing how many men write that they are good looking.  Isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder?  It’s weird … I don’t know any women who do that, but then again, I’m not looking at women’s profiles I suppose.  Oh and I must point out here that I’m not that shallow that I wouldn’t consider someone who’d been hit with an ugly stick … if you could see some of my exes … one in particular could indeed be descended from the missing link or be the brother of Alex Reid … he also bore an uncanny resemblance to ‘Junior’ out of Carry on Screaming … without the beard though … that would be too weird!

So I mailed him back and gave him my email address (not my proper one, obv, the one I use for this dating malarkey).  About 2 minutes later, I checked my mail and there was a message from him together with 4 pictures.  I opened picture 1 and low and behold … I’m building up the suspense here … it could have been Les Denis standing there!  I kid you not!  I was hysterical … he was … erm … lets say strawberry blonde and the absolute spit of Amanda Holden’s former squeeze (never could see what she saw in him *shudder* ewwww … amongst other things, blonde eyelashes just don’t do it for me!).  I showed it to Mehreen and she totally agreed.

I opened the next, which was him standing with a horse.  I showed it to Mehreen, who calmly stated that the horse was better looking than him!  I could hardly breathe I was laughing so much … I’m struggling to contain myself as I’m writing this thinking about it!  She said it with such distain; with such a look of disgust on her face … it was so flaming funny! Lmao.  I haven’t opened the other two pictures … they take too long to loads in our dungeon office and life is just too short.

I’ve dipped in an out of the App all day and we’ve been constantly stunned and highly amused by the profiles of these people, their names and their weirdo messages … it’s been totally hysterical.

By the time 3.00 pm came, I’d had 85 messages/winks/profile views … I think that’s more than I’ve had since I joined!  Mehreen’s view on that … “Keep it up and at that rate you’re bound to meet someone” … Yeah, if I haven’t died laughing first!

I asked Mehreen whether she thought it would be a good idea to share (ie copy and paste) some of the messages I’ve been getting into a post cos this stuff really is funny (honestly, you have to read them to believe them) … we haven’t stopped laughing all day!  Of course, she agreed.  So I’ll be doing that over the next couple of days.  Well it was going to be a quiet news week anyway and I’ve gotta keep myself and you guys amused somehow! 

Oh and I was going to give you a bit more info about what the psychic said … at one point, about half way through the reading, she shouted “Bridgette Jones!” she actually nearly scared me half to death.  “Bridgette Jones!” she shouted again.  Then she said, “Writing … why am I seeing Bridgette Jones and you’re writing … I mean properly writing … writing lots!  What’s going on?”  I told her I was writing a blog, which is kinda like a diary and said that I thought that was where the Bridgette Jones thing came in.  She agreed that that would be the definitely be the connection … weird, huh?

Anyway, I must get on lovely people.  Be fabulous.

More dating stuff to follow!

Jx

Dating Update

Do you remember the guy I wrote about back in March ... Preston Man?  Well a week ago Thursday, I got a text from him saying “Hi, how are you?”  I must admit that I didn’t see it until the Friday ... I’d left my phone on silent and forgot ... Anyway, I asked the girls in work what I should do and the resounding response was to text him back and see what happens.  I couldn’t really be bothered either way, but they have a motto now ... “It’ll be good for the blog if nothing else!”  That attitude is getting me into all kinds of trouble ... like I needed anything else!  It’s starting to be my mantra and, as a result, I’m doing all kinds of things that I’d never usually do...

Anyway, I digress ... again!  So I texted this guy back and said “Hi”, he then asked me if I was still single ... I replied that I was and was he?  He replied by saying “Yes, still single, still looking”, but didn’t ask a question.  “How are you supposed to respond to that when he hasn’t asked a question?” came Mehreen’s response.  “Oh I dunno ... I give up” was my response.  I got a further text from him that night ... “Shall we meet”  He’s obviously not a man of many words and he sent that message about 10.00 pm.  I didn’t reply ... Next morning I got another, “Good Morning”.  I was off to get my nails and minx toes done (as you do), so didn’t reply until lunchtime saying good morning and yes we should meet and when was he thinking? 

The next reply from him was at 10.00 pm (for goodness sake ... is it that hard to pick up the phone and call someone these days????) saying, “Midweek” ... that’s it ... “Midweek” FFS! So I replied the next morning saying Tuesday or Thursday would be good (Wednesday I was having dinner with my friend Jo ... I didn’t tell him that bit ... goodness I’m rambling today).  Anyway, He replied a few hours later saying “Tuesday, Southport?”  Well, Southport isn’t that far from me, but, considering how much hassle this guy has put me through, I really couldn’t be bothered driving an hour to see someone for an hour (especially when I’m in the car up to 3 hours a day at the moment anyway), so I said “That’s a bit far, is there somewhere we could meet in between our two towns on the M6?”  What does he come back with about 6 hours later? “Is Preston too far?” .... the bloody cheek ... he lives in Preston!!!!  “Damn right it’s too bloody far” thinks me ... I didn’t say that to him though.

I must point out here, that distance isn’t a problem in a relationship ... I’ve always travelled a lot in my job so 30 minutes up a motorway isn’t bad, it’s just the fact that he’s messed me around so much and then wants me to go and see him with absolutely no effort on his part, whatsoever ... he couldn’t even be bothered to call me!  He messed me around back in March and now thinks I’m going to travel to his home town to meet him!  Wow, that’s some ego as far as I’m concerned!

So I didn’t reply.  The next day, around 7.00 pm I got a text, “Are we still going out tomorrow” I didn’t reply.  The day after that I get a call ... well voicemail actually as I was at the gym (yeah, I’ve finally gone back ... haven’t been since before St Lucia ... shameful paying all that money and not going ... I know, I know ... plus I’m getting a bit wobbly and we can’t have that!  My wardrobe’s far too massive to have to start buying a new one!).  I didn’t bother listening to it (I was well over the whole thing by this point) and asked Mehreen to listen to it for me.  Apparently, he said we were both really busy ... “Not me buddy!” thinks I and was I still available to see him on Thursday.  I didn’t reply.  I got a weird text on Wednesday (can’t remember what that said), then one on Thursday saying that he was on a coach with the Farmers Union going to Carmel Races and he hoped I was OK ... Random or what!  I had a few more from after that, so I agreed with the girls that I’d ring him on my way home on Friday ... which I did ... he didn’t pick up, but has texted me again over the weekend.  Oh I don’t get it ... games, games, games ... life’s too flaming short!  Either pick up the bloody phone and ask a woman out or don’t flaming bother!  Sheesh ... is it so hard????

I’m so over it again now.  I think I may have to abandon the whole internet dating thing again ... it gets me down!  Everyone keeps saying that it’s a numbers game ... I just don’t have the patience!  And I guess I could be criticised for not ringing “Preston Man” myself ... but like I say, I think I was over him after Round 1 in March.  Ho hum.

On another subject, I had a fab catch up with my friend, Jo.  We had a fantastic Italian meal at Ariete in Newton Le Willows ... about the best Italian around.  We did a sort of joint coaching session with each other.  It was very fruitful.  I have some fantastic new business ideas for some short courses I’m going to run in September ... watch this space.  It was really the boost I needed ... I’m feeling very inspired at the mo!  Thanks Jo.

I’ve not been up to much over the weekend, so not really got anything interesting to tell you about ... but I’ve got a busy week and it’s Rome at the weekend, so there’s bound to be quite a lot to tell you about next week.  Oh, and I haven’t forgotten that I need to tell you more about what the psychic said.  I’ll do that this week ... you won’t believe it!

Have a fabulous week, wonderful people.

Much Love

Jx

Psychic Predictions

I went to see a psychic last week.  I’ve seen her probably around 4 times over about 8 years, the last time being about 4 years ago.

I’m quite interested in this stuff as I’m an NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) Master Practitioner, which means I’m a qualified hypnotist too ... amongst my other talents!  I do the stuff that Paul McKenna now does (like curing phobias, managing weight loss, building confidence etc) and the likes of Derren Brown use, so it’s really easy for me to tell if someone is ‘cold reading’ you ie, they’re no more clairvoyant than my dog and are just very clever at reading your body language.  Most people are so desperate for answers that they feed these people the information that they need to present that same information back in a plausible manner.

Anyway, that all sounds a bit heavy.  The point I’m trying to make is that I can spot a fake a mile off ... I can also hypnotise you when you’re least expecting it and make you cluck like a chicken! (I’m joking with the last bit ... honest!).

The stuff this woman has come out with in the past has been totally uncanny and very, very true.  For example:

1.       She told me that I’d meet a guy called Cecil (I’ve changed the name here – but it was a really different name, not something like John or Andy) and that he’d ask me to go to Scotland with him in November ... I did, although it was the following November.

2.       She told me that I’d come in to freaky money ... money I didn’t know I had and that I wasn’t going to just ‘win’, the following March.  In the February, I was contacted by a previous company I was a senior manager with and they wanted to buy my shares off me ... a MAJOR lump sum, the deal was done in March.

3.       She said that an uncle of mine (and she gave his exact, rather unusual name ... not his shortened name) was in hospital having a triple heart bypass ... he was.

I could go on and on.  This woman is AMAZING!

Anyway, things have been going a bit weird for me lately, so I thought I’d make an appointment to see her.  I walked in ... she said ... “You’ve changed your job.  You’re a consultant now ... nice!”.  This woman hasn’t seen me for 4 years and she doesn’t know my surname nor does she know any of my friends or family nor what I did for a living.  All this was before we’d even started.

She handed over her crystal ball that you have to hold for a little while, then passed it back to her.  The first thing she said is ... “Who’s the little boy? ... No, You have a little boy” ... “Nope” ... “Well you will ... and soon ... really soon” ... Holy Mary Mother of God!  I didn’t see that one coming.  She was adamant that I’m having a little boy.  I told her it was gonna be the second coming ... the next immaculate conception, but she was having none of it.  “You are definitely having a boy in the next year or so”.  Blimey ... panic stricken doesn’t even cover it!

Then she said ... “Why have you got a nun hanging around you?  She’s always been around, but she’s really come to the fore in the last 2 weeks ... hang on ... there’s loads of them ... loads of nuns!  What on earth are you up to?  These nuns have only appeared in the last 2 weeks around you and they’re all really, really happy!  Hang on” she said, “the nun’s name is Margarite or Margarita”.  “Oh trust me”, thinks I, “Only I could have my own nun with the name of an alcoholic drink” ... Oh the irony of it.  “I’m going to Rome, two weeks on Saturday” says I, “and I booked it two weeks ago”.  She said that they were all extremely happy and would look after me while I’m there ... that’s nice, isn’t it.

Digressing a bit (just for a change ... I can hear you thinking ... and I’m not psychic!), the Rome trip came about because I was sitting in work and feeling a bit ... erm ... dunno what the word is ... I think I was still suffering from holiday blues.  Anyway, I mentioned to the girls that I wanted a break but wasn’t able to get away for more than a couple of days because of my workload.  They asked where I’d always wanted to go ... Rome!

So we looked at flights and hotels and then I had a wobble, but they insisted I book it ... so I did!  I’ve never been away entirely on my own before, but I’m reading ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ at the moment and if she can do it ... so can I.  I was a little concerned though when I was having dinner last night at an Italian restaurant with my friend Jo and the Maitre de warned me that I may come across some unwanted attention cos of my blonde hair ... hmmmmmm ... I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it .... eeeek!

It’ll be interesting if nothing else.  My dad thinks I’m gonna have an epiphany.  God love him.  Maybe I’ll have a visit from the Angel Gabrielle while I’m there and indeed, I am about to host the ‘second coming’! ... oh let’s stop there.  I know I’m Catholic, but come on!

My lovely psychic lady said quite a bit more ... but I haven’t got time to write more at the moment, so I’ll have to do another instalment tomorrow!

Until then ... be fabulous and bless you all!

Jx

Dating Update

OK, so, apologies ... again!  It’s been a while and I’ve got quite a bit of catching up to do!  But where to start?  I guess the best place to would be ... internet dating.

Can’t say that I’m having fantastic results, but then again, I haven’t been trying very hard.  Lovely, but persistent, Mehreen has been extremely ... well ... persistent in her endeavours to try and get me to do it ... ie bother to at least log on to the site in the first place and then ... actually read the emails I’ve got, let alone respond to any that look remotely interesting.

She actually got me to bring my laptop in to work so that we could do it at lunchtime (she knew I’d never do it if it were left to me).  So one day, I actually brought my laptop in.  The only thing was that it was painfully slow and as I have one of those dongle thing-ame-jobs, each page took an age to load (we’re in the basement of a 25 story building, so the reception is rubbish).  Anyway, cut a long story short, we ruthlessly worked through the mails and ‘winks’ I’d received, blocking and deleting any that didn’t come up to our high standards (Mehreen’s stance is that there’s loads of them out there so if they don’t meet our exacting standards ... get rid of them! ... I love her ... she’s so fab!) ... I think that left 3 or 4 out of about 50 and Mehreen made me email those left there and then.  She was taking no prisoners and wasn’t taking the risk of me backing out.

The results:

Guy  No 1

He seemed quite nice (although he does live in Wales ... and he did look a bit like my brother ... ewwwwww).  We exchanged a couple of emails and he seemed quite normal, so I sent him my number ... he didn’t ring.  I wasn’t too bothered about that cos I wasn’t too sure about the ‘Welsh’ bit anyway ... think it may be the accent?

Guy No 2

After a few emails backwards and forwards, it turns out he was Swedish and about 12 (that’s a slight exaggeration and I can’t exactly remember his nationality, but I’m sure it was somewhere that way ... and he was blonde, so Swedish works for me) ... so that wasn’t gonna work.

Guy No  3

Looked quite promising ... lives in Birkdale (nice little seaside village not too far from me) and he had a fairly decent job.  We exchanged a couple of emails ... he was quite funny actually ... I like that.  He asked me if I was free to meet him for coffee one mid week morning.  He knew that I worked for myself and said that he thought I’d be free.  I told him that I’m working for a client in Manchester at the moment and wasn’t working from home, but coffee sounded like a good idea and did he have any suggestions.  He replied saying that he was happy to wait until I was working from home again (that, incidentally, could be a long, long time) as he thought it was better to meet in the day for coffee just in case he turned out to be a mad axe murderer????? WTF?!

Now, I don’t know about you but that practically screams ‘MARRIED’ to me!  So that’ll be a big fat no  go.

Guy No 4

Is currently working in Botswana or somewhere like that and doesn’t return for another month.  So you’ll have to watch this space on that one ... I hate to be negative here, but I’m not holding my breath!

As I’m writing this, I thought I’d have a little look at the dating site in box to see if there’s anything interesting worth sharing ... this is just one sample of the type of ‘sh*te’ I get:

Genuine gent looking to meet a nice genuine loyal,caring lady for romance and endless love.x
Im an old-fashioned gent where I respect my lady and like to be the true gent always .x

Do you think he thinks he’s a gent?  Dear me ... shame I can’t show you the pic ... he says he’s 45 ... he’s 55 if a day, has a mop of silver hair, a full on moustache and is fat ... really FAT!

Here’s another:

hi ,how ru.hope ur doing well.i have seen ur profile and i do fancy chat wt u,xx

He does fancy a chat with me does he! Lmao  And since when did having “black” hair look exactly the same as grey!

Honestly, it’s a wonder that anyone bothers with this stuff.  One thing I have noticed is that there are an awful lot of bald men out there.  Not that I’m baldest or anything, but it really doesn’t do it for me.  Bald men look kind of odd naked (not that I’ve seen a bald naked guy ... obviously!), but, well, there’s something not that appealing in it ... humph.  Sorry to any baldies out there!

Anyway, that’ll have to be it for now ... I’m a bit short of time today.

Plenty more to come ... I need to tell you about my trip to the psychic, my trip to Rome (that the psychic guessed) and my tale about another guy from the previous dating site I was on ... I think I’ve mentioned him before ... I’ll have to check.

Until then ... be fabulous, lovely people.

Jx