THE Worst Date EVER!

Well this my lovelies is the king of kings, le grand fromage, the icing on the cake ... the BIG one!  Last night I had the date to end all dates.  Let me start at the beginning... this guy had mailed me a while ago, but his pictures where all ‘bare chest and abs’ and I have to be honest, whilst you can’t help but find that attractive, the type of men who usually pose like that on a dating website are on the whole real tossers (if you’re not British you probably won’t get that comment, but let me tell you, it’s not complimentary).

However, when I had a closer look at this one’s profile, he said that he was a psychotherapist and ‘not to judge a book by its cover’ (you’ll understand what he meant by that in a bit) so with a little persuasion from some of my friends (you know who you are!) after a few emails, I decided to give him my number.  Again, the signs were there, but I chose to ignore them ... for some reason he was another one of those who decided that it’s better to Whatsapp me instead of ringing ... do I never learn! 

Now, as you know, I wouldn’t usually bother with him if he didn’t bother ringing, but my lovely friend Gemma said, “Look, you know that people just don’t speak to each other these days, it’s all done by text, so you need to go with it and see what happens” ... (yeah, great, thanks for that one Gemma!).  Oh and I must point out here that I did show his picture to a few of my friends (including Gemma) who, rather than actually using words, used some rather unusual noises ... along the lines of “phwoar” – to show their appreciation, so I thought he couldn’t be all bad!

I’ll cut a chunk out of the story here, because there are more important things to get to ...

We arranged to meet yesterday ... I happened to be in Scotland and had a 3 hour trek back, which I managed to do with relative ease.  I got home in good time and managed to curl my hair, have my nails done (thanks for the short notice appointment Joanne!), be showered with makeup on and out the door by 6.45 (no mean feat I can tell you!). 

On the way to the pub, I got a message from him saying that he was early and there already (“Bonus” I thought, considering my considerable issues with people being late).  When I’d parked up, I messaged him asking him where he was.  He came back with “I’m in the blue sports car” – the only car that I could remotely see that was blue, let alone a sports car was a bright blue Subaru ... I remember thinking, “It can’t be him, that’s a kid’s car” you know, loud, flash and no substance.  But next minute, he emerges ... all 5’8” of him!  Now, I know my maths is not good, but whenever did 6’ become 5’8 ... I felt that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach.  He came strutting over and there ... right in front of my eyes ... was this funny little old man! 

“Hiya” he said, “I’m Paul” I can’t imagine the shocked look on my face.  On his profile he said he was 45 and 6’ tall when in reality I’d be surprised if he was a day under 60.  “I know what you’re gonna say” he said, “I’m not 45, I’m 57.  I just put 45 because women don’t want men over 45 – I know loads of blokes who do it.  By the way, it’s a good job you’re only local, I’d never have bothered to travel to meet you” I could barely breath ... I swear to God I was starting to hyperventilate!

We walked into the pub, me in stunned silence (not that I could have got a word in edgeways), we went to the bar and while we were waiting to be served, I noticed a really weird whistle as he talked.  There was also something moving in his mouth that wasn’t his tongue and he had a funny kind of lisp.  Then realisation dawned ... it was the palette that secured his false teeth in place!!!!!  OMG, with the shock of that lil gem, I actually thought I might pass out from the shock.  Every part of my being was shouting “Run! Run!”

We ordered drinks, with him telling me how he won’t ever travel more than 15 minutes to meet a woman, “because no woman is worth more than that” and when our drinks came and the bartender asked for £7.50 he said, “How much!!!! Good God woman that’s daylight robbery!” *Cringe*

Now, you’re probably thinking why I didn’t leg it (ie run away very quickly) at that point, but I can only describe it as being paralysed!  I think I was a bit in shock.  I asked him what he does for a living (remember his profile said that he was a psychologist) and he said, “Oh I’m a student – I’m learning to do a bit of counselling, but I’m only doing it for the money – I can’t stand listening to people whinging ... I’m not a tree hugger or owt and I won’t help anyone who won’t pay me”

Now, one of my biggest values is to always help people whenever and wherever I can – that’s massively important to me and it’s the way I try to live my life, whether people pay me or not is irrelevant.  My philosophy has always been, if I can help someone I will, so his view was so far removed from mine, it was further confirmation that he was a bone fide knob (not that I needed it ... in retrospect, how much confirmation do you need!).

We took a seat and then he went on to tell me about the last women he met on the dating site and how she was an escort and a pole dancer.  He then tried to explain to me about the men she met and the sordid things they got up to ... I stopped him there, very abruptly and said that I didn’t want to know.  If everything inside me wasn’t screaming ‘RUN’ before, it was now.  I remember thinking, “OMG how can I get out of this? ... I need to get away from him NOW!” Next minute, his phone rang and he picked it up.  I thought he was going to turn it off, but he just said, “Oh its Matty ... Hiya Matty” He’d only gone and answered it!

Now, I’ll never know what snapped inside me, but my subconscious must have sensed it’s chance at freedom and I leapt up, grabbed my bag, said, “I’m off” and I legged it! I did all that without any conscious thought ... and I ran, literally ran out of the pub, through the car park, dived in the car, slammed down the lock, shoved the car into drive and wheel spun out of the car park!

... And how long do you think the whole date took?  I got out of the car at 7.00 pm to meet him and I got back in the car at 7.17 pm.  Seventeen minutes that date lasted and that was 17 minutes too long.  I’ll never forget the look on his face when I bolted for the door.  That will stay with me for as long as I live! 

Looking back on it, I can’t help but laugh every time I think of the funny sound he made when he was talking and sucking on his palette!  And what is the positive in this? (As you know, my philosophy is always to look for the positive) ... my story has made so many people laugh today ... its spread a bit of happiness.

Right lovelies, that’s me for another day.  Until next time, have a wonderful weekend and be fabulous.

Lots of love

Jx

PS As my friend Ronnie pointed out, this post has taken longer to write than the date! lol