I
know I promised at the end of my last post to tell you about Mr Stalker, but I
just thought I’d share this rather funny little interlude first...
Last
Friday night, I ended up on an impromptu evening out with two of my oldest
friends (I’ve known them since school, so we’re talking a looooooooong time)
Sharon and Jo. Sharon had been in touch the
day before to say that she’d just got a new role and needed to celebrate. Now, never being one able to turn down a
friend in need of course I said yes.
Usually when we catch up, we tend to just go to a local pub after work
and have something to eat, as we are all usually driving, we don’t tend to have
a drink, so Sharon said, “I’m celebrating and we aren’t sitting in some little
pub … we’re doing it probably!”
Who
was I to argue?! After a bit of toing
and froing we decided on Liverpool and so that none of us needed to drive we
made the momentous decision to take the train (we live in different towns, so a
taxi would be difficult and we hadn’t got much time to arrange things). Yes my lovelies, Public Transport and you
know how much I LOVE Public Transport.
However, needs must and all that.
So we agreed that they would get on the train in their town and I’d get
on the same train when it hit mine.
The
journey there went without incident and we landed safe and sound. We hopped a taxi to Liverpool One (a new
shopping and entertainment mall that recently opened in the city) and headed
for a really nice restaurant Ree Rah were we were actually able to sit
outside! The weather was glorious. I actually can’t remember the last time I
went out for the evening and was actually able to sit and eat outside without
being totally freezing and wanting to go inside.
Well
we had a lovely meal, some bubbles and cocktails and a generally fab catch up
(including lots of hysterical laughter … I do love those ladies, they’re very
funny). Once we were all done, we hopped
a taxi back to the station in order to catch the last train home. All I have to say now is NEVER AGAIN! Have you ever caught the last train home from
anywhere on a Friday/Saturday night? It
was BONKERS and although we had had some drinks (well Sharon and I had) we
weren’t that drunk … we didn’t have time to get that drunk because we were
either eating or talking!
We
walked past one carriage and Sharon had a horrified look on her face when she
saw the people sitting there and said, “Walk on! Not there!” Jo and I just giggled and carried
on to the next. We took our seats and it
all didn’t seem too bad … not too bad until the train started to fill up that
is. As the whistle blew we started to
hear a commotion in the carriage that we had luckily swerved (you really have
to listen to your gut feelings … or other’s gut feelings … they’re there for a
reason).
Next
minute we see this decidedly butch lady quite small, grey short hair (a man’s
hair cut) no make up and obviously a smoker (her skin was just awful and she
had one of those rhaspy laughs) – really rough looking and totally drunk singing
and shouting at the top her lungs - we just all looked at each other,
completely gobsmacked. Next minute I
looked over and saw her swinging off the hand rails (you know the vertical ones
they have on trains) in a particularly poor attempt at pole dancing.
Next
minute a girl behind us stands up and starts to sing, “My My Miss American Pie”
closely followed by “Day Dream Believer” at the top of her lungs and tried to
encourage everyone else to join in.
Next, Pole Dancing Queen (PDQ) hears this and starts climbing over the
seats in her carriage – actually not minding that there were people sitting in
those seats and also starts singing at the top of her lungs. Jo and I couldn’t actually see all of this
from where were sitting, we could just about see her head bobbing around, when
Sharon turns round all wide eyed and says, “She’s sticking her crotch in some
poor blokes face!”
Well
Jo and I were hysterical at this point; PDQ then enters our carriage and
continues to stand on a bloke’s knee just opposite from where we were sitting
so that she could catapult herself up the pole!
Oh Dear God … the three of us could hardly breathe; I thought Jo was
going to pass out … at least Sharon and I had had a drink and could see the
funny side, poor Jo was almost paralysed with shock! Sharon happened to take our picture at this
point, I’m crying laughing and Jo just looks distraught!
Next
PDQ extricates herself from the pole and comes and stands by Sharon (who looked
suitably mortified), but luckily she moved quite quickly down our carriage
trying to climb across the seats in a kind of monkey manner. All Sharon could say, with a look of utter
disgust as she wrinkled her nose up was, “I could smell her crotch and it
wasn’t nice!” OMG I thought I was going
to hyperventilate (she actually used a different word than crotch, but I’m
trying to keep this family friendly!).
She added, “She’s going round throwing her crotch in everyone’s faces …
and it stinks. I can smell it from
here! Dirty woman.”
I
was crying laughing. For the rest of the
journey there was much movement between the carriages together with some
rivalry singing and I have to say it was the most entertaining and the most
shocking (in equal measures) journey that I’ve ever taken and it reminded me
never to get on public transport again … if I can at all help it! And how Jo is after this little escapade? Traumatised is the only way I can describe
it. I don’t think she may ever be able
to get over it … I think she may well be scarred for life! I don’t think it affected Sharon and me in
such a detrimental way as we had some natural anaesthetic in our blood stream!
Awww
you’ve gotta laugh haven’t you! Right
lovelies, I’ll get back to the dating again in my next post. Until then, be fabulous.
Lots
of love
Jx
