Friday Night Mayhem!

I know I promised at the end of my last post to tell you about Mr Stalker, but I just thought I’d share this rather funny little interlude first... 

Last Friday night, I ended up on an impromptu evening out with two of my oldest friends (I’ve known them since school, so we’re talking a looooooooong time) Sharon and Jo.  Sharon had been in touch the day before to say that she’d just got a new role and needed to celebrate.  Now, never being one able to turn down a friend in need of course I said yes.  Usually when we catch up, we tend to just go to a local pub after work and have something to eat, as we are all usually driving, we don’t tend to have a drink, so Sharon said, “I’m celebrating and we aren’t sitting in some little pub … we’re doing it probably!”

Who was I to argue?!  After a bit of toing and froing we decided on Liverpool and so that none of us needed to drive we made the momentous decision to take the train (we live in different towns, so a taxi would be difficult and we hadn’t got much time to arrange things).  Yes my lovelies, Public Transport and you know how much I LOVE Public Transport.  However, needs must and all that.   So we agreed that they would get on the train in their town and I’d get on the same train when it hit mine.

The journey there went without incident and we landed safe and sound.  We hopped a taxi to Liverpool One (a new shopping and entertainment mall that recently opened in the city) and headed for a really nice restaurant Ree Rah were we were actually able to sit outside!  The weather was glorious.  I actually can’t remember the last time I went out for the evening and was actually able to sit and eat outside without being totally freezing and wanting to go inside. 

Well we had a lovely meal, some bubbles and cocktails and a generally fab catch up (including lots of hysterical laughter … I do love those ladies, they’re very funny).  Once we were all done, we hopped a taxi back to the station in order to catch the last train home.  All I have to say now is NEVER AGAIN!  Have you ever caught the last train home from anywhere on a Friday/Saturday night?  It was BONKERS and although we had had some drinks (well Sharon and I had) we weren’t that drunk … we didn’t have time to get that drunk because we were either eating or talking!

We walked past one carriage and Sharon had a horrified look on her face when she saw the people sitting there and said, “Walk on!  Not there!” Jo and I just giggled and carried on to the next.  We took our seats and it all didn’t seem too bad … not too bad until the train started to fill up that is.  As the whistle blew we started to hear a commotion in the carriage that we had luckily swerved (you really have to listen to your gut feelings … or other’s gut feelings … they’re there for a reason). 

Next minute we see this decidedly butch lady quite small, grey short hair (a man’s hair cut) no make up and obviously a smoker (her skin was just awful and she had one of those rhaspy laughs) – really rough looking and totally drunk singing and shouting at the top her lungs - we just all looked at each other, completely gobsmacked.  Next minute I looked over and saw her swinging off the hand rails (you know the vertical ones they have on trains) in a particularly poor attempt at pole dancing.

Next minute a girl behind us stands up and starts to sing, “My My Miss American Pie” closely followed by “Day Dream Believer” at the top of her lungs and tried to encourage everyone else to join in.  Next, Pole Dancing Queen (PDQ) hears this and starts climbing over the seats in her carriage – actually not minding that there were people sitting in those seats and also starts singing at the top of her lungs.  Jo and I couldn’t actually see all of this from where were sitting, we could just about see her head bobbing around, when Sharon turns round all wide eyed and says, “She’s sticking her crotch in some poor blokes face!”

Well Jo and I were hysterical at this point; PDQ then enters our carriage and continues to stand on a bloke’s knee just opposite from where we were sitting so that she could catapult herself up the pole!  Oh Dear God … the three of us could hardly breathe; I thought Jo was going to pass out … at least Sharon and I had had a drink and could see the funny side, poor Jo was almost paralysed with shock!  Sharon happened to take our picture at this point, I’m crying laughing and Jo just looks distraught!

Next PDQ extricates herself from the pole and comes and stands by Sharon (who looked suitably mortified), but luckily she moved quite quickly down our carriage trying to climb across the seats in a kind of monkey manner.  All Sharon could say, with a look of utter disgust as she wrinkled her nose up was, “I could smell her crotch and it wasn’t nice!”  OMG I thought I was going to hyperventilate (she actually used a different word than crotch, but I’m trying to keep this family friendly!).  She added, “She’s going round throwing her crotch in everyone’s faces … and it stinks.  I can smell it from here!  Dirty woman.”

I was crying laughing.  For the rest of the journey there was much movement between the carriages together with some rivalry singing and I have to say it was the most entertaining and the most shocking (in equal measures) journey that I’ve ever taken and it reminded me never to get on public transport again … if I can at all help it!  And how Jo is after this little escapade?  Traumatised is the only way I can describe it.  I don’t think she may ever be able to get over it … I think she may well be scarred for life!  I don’t think it affected Sharon and me in such a detrimental way as we had some natural anaesthetic in our blood stream!

Awww you’ve gotta laugh haven’t you!  Right lovelies, I’ll get back to the dating again in my next post.  Until then, be fabulous.

Lots of love

Jx