R.I.P.D. - Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

 

Two further quick film reviews!

R.I.P.D. ** (2 Stars)

I really wanted this film to be better than it was, but I’ll have to start with the negative ... if it wasn’t for Geoff Bridges' appalling Southern drawl it would have got a 3 stars.  Unfortunately, he used the same utterly dreadful accent that he used when he played a cowboy in ‘True Grit’.  His drawl was so ‘drawly’ that I really needed subtitles ... I just couldn’t understand him and it was so infuriating – I got completely transfixed on his awful accent that I really couldn’t relax and enjoy the film.

I remember having to re-watch True Grit with the subtitles on when it came out on DVD because I really couldn’t understand a word he was saying.  So unfortunate that he chose the exactly the same accent for this film too.

OK, I’ll try and move on now ... basically if you liked the Men in Black movies, in all likelihood you’ll like this too.  In fact I think you could have swapped Bridges and Ryan Reynolds (who was the best thing about it ... yum!) for Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones and it would have been difficult to tell if it was part of that franchise or not!

So what’s it about?  Well in a nut shell, a cop (Ryan Reynolds) is brutally murdered by his partner Kevin Bacon (haven’t seen him in anything but EE ads for a while ... that was a bit of a surprise) and ends up being recruited by the Afterlife Police in order to hunt down dead people, who refuse to die.  Sounds a bit gruesome, but its very tongue in cheek with the ‘dead people’ being rather demon like (in a Men in Black 'alien' type way).

That’s enough of all that now ... go and see it if you really like Men in Black and could bear Bridges awful accent in True Grit ... have I sold it to you?  Here’s the trailer...
 

 

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters ** (2 Stars)

This was bloody awful – and probably shouldn’t have the same score as the film above because it was far worse.  If you’ve got a 12 year old boy, he’d probably love it, but that’s as far as it went for me.

Percy, the son of Poseidon, teams up with his Demigod (half God/half human) friends to try and find the Golden Fleece in order to save a tree (yes, honestly – well a tree that grew out of a girl that got killed years before by a Cyclops – yes, honestly!). The story follows their journey.  I still can't figure out why it was called Sea of Monsters though ... hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Here’s the trailer, but I definitely can’t recommend it!!! ...
 

 

 

Right lovelies, until next time, be fabulous!

Lots of love

Jx

 

 

The Mortal Instruments - Riddick - Insidious 2

It’s been ages since I’ve done any film reviews, so I thought that I’d better get my backside in gear.  So without further ado...

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones ***** (5 Stars!)

I loved this film and had to award it a mega 5 stars.  I’m reading the book at the moment too and whilst it’s very different from the book (aren’t they always) I thoroughly enjoyed it.  The story centres on a young woman, Clary, whose world is turned upside down when her mother is attacked and goes missing.  As a result, Clary finds out that her mum is a Shadowhunter, a secret group of half angel warriors to keep the peace between humans and the Downworld.  As she finds out more and more about her past, she enters into a world of demons, warlocks, vampires, werewolves and other deadly creatures.

I bloody love that stuff and thoroughly enjoyed it.  I guess you could say that it was a bit of a teen film, a bit of a cross between Harry Potter and The Hunger Games – so if you like those kind of films, you love this too!  Gotta be quick though, cos I don’t think it’ll be on for much longer.  Here’s the trailer...

 

Riddick **** (4 Stars)

I really enjoyed this film (nothing to do with the fact that it contains the rather gorgeous Vin Diesel you understand ... yeah right ... my enjoyment was in direct correlation to the fact that the film was pretty much Vin the whole way!) however, it didn’t get 5 stars because it didn’t really have too much of a story (however, because it contained Vin with his bulging muscles out for a good 99% of the film, I can overlook that!). 

The story ... at the end of the last film, Riddick was betrayed and left for dead on the sun-scorched planet that film centred around.  He finds himself having to fight for his life against more strange alien creatures’ hell bent on killing him.  He discovers a bounty hunter hut and triggers some intergalactic alarms which alert some deadly bounty hunters to his whereabouts.  He then has to pit his wits not only against the bounty hunters but on the planet’s encroaching alien inhabitants.

If you like the other Riddick films, no doubt you’ll like this too.  Here’s the trailer...

 

Insidious 2 *** (3 Stars)

Hmmmmmmm I don’t know what happened here.  I did really like the first one and I was really looking forward to this however, I don’t think I was in the right frame of mind when I went to see it.  I’d had some disappointing news and was in a pretty bad mood (I very rarely do bad moods, but you really don’t want to be around me when I do ... I don’t like being around me then either and I hadn’t had time to ‘adjust’ my thinking before I left the house).  To be honest, I don’t think anything would have scared me when I was in that mood ... in fact, I think if you’d have bumped in to me when I was on my way to the cinema, I would have been far more scary than anything you could have seen on screen!  I’d have given that kid in the Exorcist a run for her money.

Anyway, I digress, back to the film ... If you saw the last film, you’ll remember there being an old witch that seemed to have returned from the dead.  This film follows her story and her fight to stay in the mortal realm.  As the story progresses, we find out her story and what she did to her son.  We also find out the family’s father’s relationship to the mad woman too. 

It’s defo worth a watch ... just don’t go in a bad mood – let the film scare you, not the other way round!

 

By the way, when I came out of the film, I’m happy to announce that I was back to my normal self ... phew!

I have watched other films lately, but they’re no longer on my local cinema, so here’s a very quick rating:

Pain and Gain * (1 Star) – shockingly bad – 2 hours I’ll never get back

Elysium **** (4 Stars) – really enjoyed this one – Matt Damon was brilliant

Right lovelies, until next time, be fabulous!

Lots of love

Jx

THE Worst Date EVER!

Well this my lovelies is the king of kings, le grand fromage, the icing on the cake ... the BIG one!  Last night I had the date to end all dates.  Let me start at the beginning... this guy had mailed me a while ago, but his pictures where all ‘bare chest and abs’ and I have to be honest, whilst you can’t help but find that attractive, the type of men who usually pose like that on a dating website are on the whole real tossers (if you’re not British you probably won’t get that comment, but let me tell you, it’s not complimentary).

However, when I had a closer look at this one’s profile, he said that he was a psychotherapist and ‘not to judge a book by its cover’ (you’ll understand what he meant by that in a bit) so with a little persuasion from some of my friends (you know who you are!) after a few emails, I decided to give him my number.  Again, the signs were there, but I chose to ignore them ... for some reason he was another one of those who decided that it’s better to Whatsapp me instead of ringing ... do I never learn! 

Now, as you know, I wouldn’t usually bother with him if he didn’t bother ringing, but my lovely friend Gemma said, “Look, you know that people just don’t speak to each other these days, it’s all done by text, so you need to go with it and see what happens” ... (yeah, great, thanks for that one Gemma!).  Oh and I must point out here that I did show his picture to a few of my friends (including Gemma) who, rather than actually using words, used some rather unusual noises ... along the lines of “phwoar” – to show their appreciation, so I thought he couldn’t be all bad!

I’ll cut a chunk out of the story here, because there are more important things to get to ...

We arranged to meet yesterday ... I happened to be in Scotland and had a 3 hour trek back, which I managed to do with relative ease.  I got home in good time and managed to curl my hair, have my nails done (thanks for the short notice appointment Joanne!), be showered with makeup on and out the door by 6.45 (no mean feat I can tell you!). 

On the way to the pub, I got a message from him saying that he was early and there already (“Bonus” I thought, considering my considerable issues with people being late).  When I’d parked up, I messaged him asking him where he was.  He came back with “I’m in the blue sports car” – the only car that I could remotely see that was blue, let alone a sports car was a bright blue Subaru ... I remember thinking, “It can’t be him, that’s a kid’s car” you know, loud, flash and no substance.  But next minute, he emerges ... all 5’8” of him!  Now, I know my maths is not good, but whenever did 6’ become 5’8 ... I felt that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach.  He came strutting over and there ... right in front of my eyes ... was this funny little old man! 

“Hiya” he said, “I’m Paul” I can’t imagine the shocked look on my face.  On his profile he said he was 45 and 6’ tall when in reality I’d be surprised if he was a day under 60.  “I know what you’re gonna say” he said, “I’m not 45, I’m 57.  I just put 45 because women don’t want men over 45 – I know loads of blokes who do it.  By the way, it’s a good job you’re only local, I’d never have bothered to travel to meet you” I could barely breath ... I swear to God I was starting to hyperventilate!

We walked into the pub, me in stunned silence (not that I could have got a word in edgeways), we went to the bar and while we were waiting to be served, I noticed a really weird whistle as he talked.  There was also something moving in his mouth that wasn’t his tongue and he had a funny kind of lisp.  Then realisation dawned ... it was the palette that secured his false teeth in place!!!!!  OMG, with the shock of that lil gem, I actually thought I might pass out from the shock.  Every part of my being was shouting “Run! Run!”

We ordered drinks, with him telling me how he won’t ever travel more than 15 minutes to meet a woman, “because no woman is worth more than that” and when our drinks came and the bartender asked for £7.50 he said, “How much!!!! Good God woman that’s daylight robbery!” *Cringe*

Now, you’re probably thinking why I didn’t leg it (ie run away very quickly) at that point, but I can only describe it as being paralysed!  I think I was a bit in shock.  I asked him what he does for a living (remember his profile said that he was a psychologist) and he said, “Oh I’m a student – I’m learning to do a bit of counselling, but I’m only doing it for the money – I can’t stand listening to people whinging ... I’m not a tree hugger or owt and I won’t help anyone who won’t pay me”

Now, one of my biggest values is to always help people whenever and wherever I can – that’s massively important to me and it’s the way I try to live my life, whether people pay me or not is irrelevant.  My philosophy has always been, if I can help someone I will, so his view was so far removed from mine, it was further confirmation that he was a bone fide knob (not that I needed it ... in retrospect, how much confirmation do you need!).

We took a seat and then he went on to tell me about the last women he met on the dating site and how she was an escort and a pole dancer.  He then tried to explain to me about the men she met and the sordid things they got up to ... I stopped him there, very abruptly and said that I didn’t want to know.  If everything inside me wasn’t screaming ‘RUN’ before, it was now.  I remember thinking, “OMG how can I get out of this? ... I need to get away from him NOW!” Next minute, his phone rang and he picked it up.  I thought he was going to turn it off, but he just said, “Oh its Matty ... Hiya Matty” He’d only gone and answered it!

Now, I’ll never know what snapped inside me, but my subconscious must have sensed it’s chance at freedom and I leapt up, grabbed my bag, said, “I’m off” and I legged it! I did all that without any conscious thought ... and I ran, literally ran out of the pub, through the car park, dived in the car, slammed down the lock, shoved the car into drive and wheel spun out of the car park!

... And how long do you think the whole date took?  I got out of the car at 7.00 pm to meet him and I got back in the car at 7.17 pm.  Seventeen minutes that date lasted and that was 17 minutes too long.  I’ll never forget the look on his face when I bolted for the door.  That will stay with me for as long as I live! 

Looking back on it, I can’t help but laugh every time I think of the funny sound he made when he was talking and sucking on his palette!  And what is the positive in this? (As you know, my philosophy is always to look for the positive) ... my story has made so many people laugh today ... its spread a bit of happiness.

Right lovelies, that’s me for another day.  Until next time, have a wonderful weekend and be fabulous.

Lots of love

Jx

PS As my friend Ronnie pointed out, this post has taken longer to write than the date! lol

Scotland - Fire-Fighters - Cow Print Onesies

 

Well I had a very strange week last week and I had to tell you about my rather eventful trip to The Frozen North ie Scotland, this’ll only be a quickie, but it was all quite amusing... 

I’ve got to be honest, despite only living about 200 miles away, I’ve only ever been to Scotland once and I didn’t see much then because by the time I got past the Lake District, it fogged, in fact it fogged the whole way to Glasgow and the whole time I was in Glasgow and the whole way home the next day, so I never saw a thing!

I was asked by a client to go and do some work for them in Glasgow at really short notice.  I don’t mind travelling (as you know) and a couple of hundred miles is nothing in comparison to some places I have to go to and I love just getting in the car and driving – it’s good thinking time.

The drive up was pretty uneventful, although my brakes did start to make a few strange noises and I vowed to have them looked at when I got back.  I got to the client’s premises and did what I needed to do, then hot tailed it to the hotel.  Premier Inn (booooooo) I keep expecting Lenny Henry to pop out every time I have to stay in one of those.  I guess they’re clean but unbelievably basic!

I dumped the bags and had dinner in the Beefeater pub next door (oh the glamour!).  I know it would bother a few people having dinner on their own, but I’m so used to it now with all the travelling I do that I don’t even notice.  I take my Kindle with me too, so I don’t look like a complete ‘Billy No Mates Freak’!  I happen to have the belief that you’re invisible as long as you’re reading – plus you don’t notice if anyone’s staring.  I have to be honest, it had been quite tough day, so I did have a couple of cheeky glasses of Pinot ... to help me relax you understand – purely for medicinal reasons!

When I got back to the room and turned the TV on, I was surprised (don’t know why really) but I was surprised to see a programme about obesity in Scotland (on the same channel in England they were showing Master chef ... the irony was not lost!).  On that programme they were concerned with the general diet of the Scottish people and showed a range of ‘fried’ and unhealthy products such as macaroni cheese pies and Scotch Egg pies plus they interviewed lots of people coming out of a football match and asked them to name certain fruit and veg.  One guy in his forties didn’t know what a pineapple was and they interviewed a woman who did basic cookery courses who said that some people didn’t even know what a carrot was, let alone how to peel one!  Now I’m sure that’s not just Scotland, but it really does make you think! 

Shortly after that, I fell asleep – it was obviously due to the fact that I was really tired, not the wine you understand.  About 4.30 well 4.26 to be exact, I was rudely awakened by the hotel fire alarm *groan* and it was quickly clear that it was an ‘all out’ alarm ... booooooo. So I scrambled out of bed, pulled on my suit over my big t-shirt that I was sleeping in (it could have been worse, it could have been something frilly or nothing at all ... if I’m ever going to forget some item when I’m going away, it’ll be nightwear!) I squeezed my feet into my 5” Kurt Geiger's and made my way downstairs with the throng – oh and I just HAD to be on the top floor!

10 minutes later, the 2 Scottish Fire Engines arrived.  “Hmmmmmm could be worse!” I commented to a fellow female bystander – who just kind of glared at me – she’s obviously not into the whole fire fighter thing ... freak.  A veritable army of burley fire-fighters filed out with me throwing them my most alluring smile (in my nightie and suit combo) and thinking I was doing really well for 4.30 in the morning.  All the tooing and froing went on for about half an hour and then they piled back into their fire engines and we were allowed back in.

As I followed the horde back in (and boy there were some sights I can tell you, I may never be the same again after what I saw that night – puts some of the horror films I’ve seen into a cocked hat!) I saw a view that I hope I’ll never have to see again ... a short, VERY rotund lady in her late 40’s with a brown bob wearing a cow print onesie!  The sight of that cow print being stretched across her humongous backside together with deep VPL lines will stay with me forever.  I swear to God I’m scarred for life – it was enough to give the toughest tough guy nightmares!

When I eventually got back to the room still reeling from the fright of ‘Cow Arse’, but feeling quite smug at the lovely, yummy fire fighters I’d been able to ogle (like I always say, you have to always look for the positive) until I looked at myself in the mirror.  No wonder I was getting odd stares, my hair resembled an 80’s mail rock icon (it was mental!), my mascara (which I had thought I’d expertly removed before I went to bed) was smeared all down my cheeks, coupled with the ‘nightie’ effect – what a horror ... Oh the shame.  No wonder I was getting odd looks for the fire fighters. I guess it serves me right for dreadful thoughts directed against ‘Cow Arse’!  It was 6.00 am when I feel asleep – the alarm went off at 6.15! Humph. 

As if that wasn’t bad enough, when I finally clambered a bit too sleepily into the car, my brakes made the nastiest, crunchiest noise ever ... hmmmm not good ... Talk about metal on metal, I was actually quite scared.  Luckily the lovely men where I happened to be working had a look at it when I got there (I only had to do 3 miles) and replaced my two back brake pads for me for free.  Bonus ... so all’s well that ends well!

Right lovelies, that’s me for another day.  Until next time, be fabulous.

Lots of love.

Jx

The Conjuring - The Heat

I saw another couple of really good films at the weekend that I would highly recommend, both very different, but equally enjoyable.

The Conjuring

If you like jumpy films, then this is for you.  I can’t say that it was scary, scary, but it certainly made you jump.  I actually found it really amusing watching the people in front of me jump as much as I did – in fact, I can’t remember the last time that a film had such a consistent ‘jump factor’!

Based on a true story and set in the 1970’s (don’t be put off by that), this film tells the tale of a family who move into their new house only to be plagued by evil spirits.  They approach two paranormal investigators who help them to confront a powerful demonic entity in the most terrifying ordeal of their careers.

I love this type of film and whilst the story was no different from all the other ‘haunting’ films, it was very well done. The tempo was kept up throughout the film (as where the scares!) and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  Definitely worth a watch, here’s the trailer…

 

The Heat

I loved this too, but for totally different reasons … it really made me laugh and brought together a brilliant partnership in Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy (I’ve loved her ever since Bridesmaids – I still laugh out loud every time I see that film … I think she’s fabulous).

Sandra Bullock plays a straight laced FBI officer hell bent on promotion with a reputation for being super arrogant and super-efficient finds herself teamed up with the exact opposite, a foul mouthed, risk taking, street smart cop with a very short fuse.  Neither has ever had a partner and when they both find themselves in the unhappy position of having to work together, sparks fly.

This was funny from start to finish.  Melissa McCarthy was brilliant – her comic timing next to Sandra Bullock’s ‘straight man’ persona was a double act made in film heaven.  If you fancy a light hearted giggle (but don’t mind oodles of foul language!) and are a fan of films like Bridesmaids, then The Heat is for you.  Here’s the trailer… (It contains swearing - Including the F Bomb!!!  Lots of F Bombs!)...

 

Right lovelies, things to do, people to see ... more dating tales tomorrow.  Until then, be fabulous!

Lots of love

Jx

The World's End - Now You See Me

The World’s End

I haven’t done any film reviews for a while and I’m getting a bit bored of the dating stuff, so thought I’d better catch up!  Last week I went to see a particularly dire film ‘The World’s End’ starring the same guys from two of my favourite British films, Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz.  As you can imagine, I was really looking forward to it and as it had really good reviews, I couldn’t wait to see it.

However, I don’t think I’ve ever been so disappointed and I actually considered walking out because I was so bored.  It was petty, childish, completely ridiculous nonsense.  So what’s it about? 20 years after attempting an epic pub crawl which they never managed to complete, five childhood friends reunite when one of them, the ‘Leader’ becomes hell bent on finishing what they started.  He attempts to get the old gang back together, dragging them back to their home town, when things begin to take a sinister turn and they end up in an unexpected struggle to save mankind. 

It was rubbish and so ‘out of this world’ that it left me completely cold ... think p*ss poor as in, “Lesbian Vampire Killers” and you’re on the right track, it was just awful ... I actually felt quite embarrassed for them!  Here's the trailer, just in case you're mad enough to want to go and see it...

Now You See Me

Now this, on the other hand was excellent, I thought it was a gripping film.  Whether that’s because it was full of sleight of hand, mentalism, hypnosis and magic, all of which I am extremely interested in and have studied in depth (apart from the magic bit!) I’m not sure, but I thought it was really original, I couldn’t foresee what was going to happen, it was fast passed and really kept you involved.

The Story – Four brilliant illusionists (Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Ruffalo, Woody Harrelson and Isla Fisher) are brought together to form one spectacular Vegas act.  During the performances, they pull off a series of daring heists against corrupt business leaders.  The super-team shower the stolen profits on their audiences while staying one step ahead of an elite FBI squad in a game of cat and mouse.  Here’s the trailer:

Yesterday I saw The Conjuring and The Heat, so I’ll review those for you and post tomorrow.  I also want to see The Wolverine and Red 2, but I’m a bit stuck for time!  Hopefully I’ll manage to see them this week.

Until next time lovelies, be fabulous.

Lots of love

Jx

Mr Caterer

This one is quite disappointing actually – I really thought this one looked rather promising, well he looked good on paper at least and I liked him as much as you can when you haven’t met or even actually spoken to someone!

Mr Caterer had his own business (yes, you guessed it, a catering one), he was tall and reasonably good looking (that’s 3 boxes ticked straight away).  After the usual few emails we swapped numbers and started to text – this was around the last Bank Holiday weekend.  He asked me when I was free as he didn’t want to wait a long time to meet up.  I told him that I was available Sunday and Monday, but then it would be the next weekend as I was working away.  He said that he would see what he could do – I felt so special!  

Then he started to send me pictures … now this is novel, unlike the other self-obsessed numpties, he sent me pictures of his food creations and I have to be honest, if they tasted as good as they looked, then he was a keeper!  They were stunning … the deserts were those very delicate ones peppered with real flowers.  Gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous.

Well we continued to text over the weekend and he didn’t get back to me about Monday evening, however, late Monday he sent me a picture of an empty plate telling me that he’d just been for a very enjoyable curry!  So clearly the curry was more important than meeting me and I have to be honest, I was a little put out that he didn’t want to meet but thought he must have his reasons (ie he was probably on a date with someone else!).

As I said earlier, I was away from the Tuesday to the Friday and I got quite a few texts from him on the Tuesday, a few less on the Wednesday, even less on the Thursday and on the Friday they had diminished to a mere ‘x’.  An ‘x’ – what are you supposed to reply to that?  I don’t think you could actually put less effort in, apart from not texting at all.  So at that point, I decided to give up.  It was Friday, he hadn’t asked me out for the weekend, although he knew I would be home and if he couldn’t be bothered to speak to me during the week and had reduced his texts to the barest minimum, then I was wasting my time.  Over the weekend, I got a couple more ‘x’, then a ‘where are you?’, then a ‘aren’t you talking’ (obviously not!) but I didn’t bother responding.

A couple of weeks later, I got an email from him through the website saying, “What happened?  Why did you stop texting me” I couldn’t resist replying as I was a bit disgruntled, saying, “Because I was wasting my time, you didn’t bother to call me or to ask me out and therefore, I have to think you just want a text pal and I’ve got plenty of those thanks.”  He replied, “I thought you were busy” … Thought I was busy!  He couldn’t be bothered more like and was just keeping me warm in case his other dates didn’t work out (they must think you’re stupid!) and he added, “Can I call you?”  Well as I was away on my own on business feeling particularly bored, I told him that he could.  And what do you think happened?  ... He didn’t call!  What is the matter with these people?!

 A couple of weeks after that I got another email from him saying, “I’m just coming to the end of a particularly busy period, can we start again?” I do have to point out here that over this period, whenever I logged on to the website, which to be fair wasn’t that often, he was always online – so he couldn’t have been THAT busy … not with work anyway.  I didn’t even bother replying, DELETE … NEXT!

I think I should point out here that all the stories I’ve been telling you about have been going on since Christmas, they haven’t just happened over the course of a month and I have met some nice people, interesting people, however, we just haven’t been right for each other for various reasons – however, those don’t make interesting reading!

Right lovelies, that’s me for another session!  Until next time, be fabulous.

Lots of love

Jx