Merry Christmas & Sore Buttocks!

Firstly, Merry Christmas to all my fabulous readers.  I've had well over 14,000 hits now, so for those of you who've stuck with me and encouraged me, I thank you … there'd be no point doing this if there was no-one reading it, so a mahoosive THANK YOU!

Well as I'm writing this it's 9.10 (it'll be later then I finish!) on Christmas Day and I have to say I think it's the best Christmas Day I've ever had … actually that's quite sad considering I'm on my own … sad but true!

I've spent the day on the beach reading and topping up the tan, had a very lovely lunch of tempura prawns and chicken satay, some more time on the beach, then time for a quick shower and a 2 hour Thai massage.  I'm now sitting at a beach side restaurant having a meal full of starters (starters are the best part of the meal so I like to just have more of them and don't bother with the main) and a couple of strawberry daiquiris … pure bliss.

Yep, all 3 dishes were for me!!!!!! (Feel a bit sick now!)

I've got to tell you about my massage - I had one a couple of days ago, that was a back and neck message and although it was really good, it did hurt like hell.  This time, as it's  Christmas and because I really have been suffering from back pain since I got here, I decided to treat myself to a full on Thai massage .  

Well it all started off very sedately and I began to think, "I really don't know what all the fuss is about here, this is all a bit butterfly like…. Humph"  How wrong way I … she lulled me into a false sense of security.  I have never know a women (let along a very slender 4' 10 woman) have such strong hands … elbows … knees … and feet … yes that's right feet!

I've had little Thai feet in places I didn't think that feet should ever go … in fact, I swear to God that woman saw more of me during that massage than previous boyfriends have.  At one point she was kneeling on my buttocks with her knees digging in to my glutes … now I'm quite boney and don't have much padding in that area … and I nearly shot through the roof!

Next minute, she stands up, puts her foot on my coccyx grabs hold of my ankles and pulls my feet up.  And she wasn’t finished there …. She then proceeds to kneel down, grab my wrists and pull my top half off the bed doing a full yoga back bend!

At the end of the massage I ended up sitting up with her behind me, next minute I know she's pushing my head towards my knees …. Now usually that wouldn't be a problem (what with me doing yoga and all), but I've got a bad back … ouch!

All in all, although it hurt like hell whilst she was doing it (and I'm sure it'll be worse tomorrow) it was the best massage I've ever had … it must be, I'm going back for another the day after tomorrow and apparently because of my back problems she's put me with a masseuse that's just come back from Bangkok and is her 'best lady'.  The mind boggles … I'll let you know how I get on.

Right lovelies … enjoy your Christmas, have fun with and cherish your family and friends (and don't forget to check in on any single friends you may have - we can forget others when we're all wrapped up with our own family - your call could make all the difference).  Oh before I go, I move hotels tomorrow so that should be good!  Until next time, be fabulous!

Merry Christmas!

Lots of love

Jx

Lovely Room, Thai Massage & Swollen Fingers

Well I've been here a few days now and have thoroughly slipped into island life.  I really can't imagine being anywhere else (not least in the cold and freezing whether back home … sorry guys!).  The weather here is fabulous, not too hot, slightly cooler than the Caribbean so no sweaty neck whilst you'e trying to eat dinner, with a constant but gentle breeze and as there are so many exotic smelling trees all around (the smell of fresh Jasmine is amazing), perfume just seems to float on the breeze.  I love it!

I've got to be honest, I haven't done much exploring yet … what I have done is a whole load of sleeping.  I actually can't believe how much sleeping I've been doing - although I do wake up at night - I seem to get getting at least 12 hours with another couple on the beach!

I'm happy to say that I moved hotels and tonight is my second night.  Here are some pics … soooooooo much nicer!  Ahhhhhhhhh I'm feeling far less stressed and much more in control now that have have a spotlessly clean room, bathroom and kitchen …. I don't know myself!  And in case you're thinking that I must have paid loads more to have an apartment, it is £2 per night more than the last 'shitty' hotel!  

The main bedroom - the door on the right is the kitchen, the left is the bathroom

The view from my window

The Beach

The pool

Today's lunch!

The pool is also beautiful here and it's right on the beach … the only downside is that there is a large group of Russians here who's kids are VERY noisy, but they don't bother with me and aren't around all the time.

I've been eating most of my meals in the same place … the first hotel I was in.  I was wrong about the food, it really is very good, I can't fault it.  I'm not a fan of Thai food in England and I now know why … it's because they don't/can't use fresh herbs … it makes such a difference … I’m a convert.  The Thai green curry here is to die for, as is the Pad Tai noodles - now I see why the restaurant (not the hotel) has such a fabulous reputation - people come from miles to eat here and it's now only a 5 minutes walk from where I'm staying.

Yesterday, I also had my first massage while I've been here, it was fabulous and it hurt like hell!  How those little Thai ladies have such strong hands I'll never know - I think I may be a bit bruised tomorrow - I also struggled to figure out what parts of her body she was using, I know elbows were in there, but I swear I felt a foot!  

When she'd finished, one of the other ladies translated for her and said that I was very tense and needed a lot of work to iron out the lumps - no shit Sherlock - so now I've found somewhere I like and it only costs £5 for nearly 2 hours, it's worth going back daily.  After all, the whole point of coming here was to look after myself and have a good chill/pamper!

Right lovelies, sorry there's nothing too controversial today, but I'm thinking that's a good thing!  Until next time, be fabulous!

Lots of love

Jx

PS nearly forgot to say, I've had some humdinger bites - they've come up the size of duck eggs and when they go down, they leave a nasty bruise ... here's a couple of the one I had on my finger ... ouch! (Although I'm happy to announce that it's gone down loads since those pics were taken!)

I'm Here in Sunny Thailand!

Well after that grueling journey, I couldn't wait to get to my relatively 'luxury' room (or so my friend, who'd persuaded me to come here told me it was).   It was 11.00 pm when I finally reached the hotel and when I climbed out of the taxi, my heart just sank … it was like a third rate B&B at Blackpool.  

I signed all the paperwork I had to and then got taken to my room and, well, the best I can describe it as is a 'sh*t hole' literally a sh*t hole (I'll explain why I stress that in a bit).  The room was tired to say the least, it smelled of damp, there was paint flaking off the walls, there where no drawers, and only a half length open wardrobe  - then I opened the door into the bathroom and the stink just hit me … like raw sewage (this place is a detox spa and I later found out that people do their own colonic irrigation in their rooms so obviously the bathroom smelled of pooh that hadn't been properly cleaned away) …. I thought I was going to vomit.

I went straight down to reception - it was closed - so had to wait until the morning to do anything about it.  On closer inspection, the bathroom had the scuzziest shower you ever did see and not even any soap!  On top of all that, the noise from the busy road outside was almost deafening …. My heart just sank.  The only redeeming feature was that the bed was comfortable.  So I climbed in, read a bit and just tried to forget my surroundings.

I've got to be honest, I was really quite pleased with myself, usually I'd completely freak out about stuff like that, but hey there was nothing I could do until the morning so I just had to make the most of it and maybe, just maybe it might look better in the morning ….

… it didn't look better, nor did it smell better.  I managed to sleep quite a bit actually (which I was surprised about) and when it came around to 9.00 am, I really had to prise myself out of bed rather than stay there (I thought getting up would help me with the jet leg).  So I jumped as quickly as I could into the makeshift shower (wearing my flip flops all the time because I didn't want me bare feet to touch the floor), dried off  and hot footed it down to reception.

I explained that the room stank and that the road noise was deafening and that I wanted to move … no room at the inn!!!  That was the only room they had … the girl could see my distress (I actually really nearly started to cry) offered me another room nearer the beach (my so called friend told me there was no need to pay the extra £3 per room for one of those because it simply wasn't worth it …. Let me tell you, it was worth it!).  The only problem being that it was only available for 3 nights and then I would have to move again.  "I don't care!" says me, let's just do it.  So I literally scooped everything into my suitcase (it wasn't hard because I hadn't unpacked) and a kindly gentleman helped me move.  The new room was still a sh*t hole but, was relative luxury compared to the other room.  Here's the new room (I didn't take a picture of the other one … didn't stick around long enough!).

The Room

The Bathroom - the spray is for cleaning your own pooh away and I understand that the cauldren is so that you can catch your pooh before you flush it to see what's coming out ... *vomit*!

Another picture of the room - note the luxury wardrobe (complete with plastic hangers) that is below the light

A random nail sticking out of the wall above my pillow ... there was no headboard!

By this time it was 11.30 am and I was starving, so not having had a look at the rest of the resort (if you can call it that), I had a little wander round and sat down for something to eat.  While I was eating, I got talking to some people who said that I should try the hotel next door as it was far superior for around another £10/20 per night.  They were staying there and said to go an have a look with them … I did and it was like another world.  Sadly they don't have a room free for my whole stay, so what I've decided to do, is stay here for my 3 nights, keep popping back each day in the hope that the other hotel has a cancellation.  Failing that, I'll have a wander and see what other hotels there are.  Even if I have to move a couple of times whilst I'm here, it'll be worth it!

The positives are that the beach is amazeballs …. Beautiful.  There are also some rather gorgeous men too.  The food, although I've only had two meals seems really nice - albeit a bit too on the healthy side (if that's possible), you know the type of thing, it's all raw food this, candida diet that and people are really obsessive about super healthy eating … and I don't just mean liking the odd salad I mean, Vegan, Raw Foodies … I don't really get it if I'm honest … if we weren't meant to eat meat, why do we have canine teeth?!  Also, those people must have very different taste buds to me … it all tastes so bland. 

I was telling one lady about how I felt about raw food (she was a raw foodie) and she said, "Squeeze some lime juice on, it's amazing!" pmsl so is Chicken Tikka Masala and garlic naan from my local take away … but somehow a squeeze of lime juice on anything simply isn't going to do it for me!

Right lovelies, that's my first day done (only my first day! ) so keep tuned for more updates, it simply has to get better! Until next time, be fabulous.

Lots of love

Jx

PS It's a few days after I wrote that post now and my new hotel is fabulous!  Tune in tomorrow for more ...

Travelling to Thailand

Well, it's the second day of traveling and it's still not really gone very smoothly.  On the flight I had a window seat and happened to have two rather burley Muslim guys sitting next to me.  To me there's nothing worse than having someone twice the size of me sitting next to me on a plane.  Somehow, they just can't stay in their own seats and seem to spill out on to mine.  So with the fact that we left 2 hours late (and boy was I panicking about my next connection) but I had to spend the whole 7 hours squished into a corner with barely a wink of sleep.  I did notice the difference between the two cultures quite starkly at one point …. I was watching Despicable Me 2 and the guy next to me was listening to the Koran.

So we landed in Dubai, 2 hours late - my connecting flight should have left but because it was the same Airline, Emirates, they decided to delay the flight (I think there were quite a few people transfering from our plane to the next so thank God they delayed it.

However, having landed and only being given half an hour to check in and board the next plane, tempers were more than a bit fraught.  We came off the plane to utter bedlam.  The staff didn't tell us what to do or where to go, they just kept shouting place names and tellling us to wait, all the time the clock was ticking.  I can't tell you how stressed I was, I really didn't want to miss that plan!

Eventually, we got told that we would have to go through bag check again (which was a bit of a joke because they'd just seen us come off one plane and the baggage check was right outside the door).  They also didn't bother checking any luggage that I could see apart from chucking it through an X-Ray machine.  But then again, I’m guessing that the risk of terrorist activity in

Well that was a bit of a nightmare.  Last plane landed at 7.20 pm and you'd think that with my next flight being at 9.00 that would give me plenty of time to get from one gate to another.  Wrong … very wrong … when I checked my bag in in Manchester, the woman had only booked it through to Bangkok and not to my final destination, Koh Samui.  So, I had to wait for the walkway to be attached, the first and business class to disembark, then us in cattle class where let off.  I think had to go out through customs (it was 8.05 by this time - thank God it wasn't the Caribbean, I could have still been there now!!) and while I was waiting for my bag, I thought I'd better tell someone that I was in the airport and that I would check in as soon as possible.  

Turns out that was the right thing to do - a lovely man took me to the baggage desk, checked that my luggage had arrived (thank The Lord) and phoned through to book me in.  I then had to wait for my case (which took another 10 minutes …. I was starting to sweat … by the way, I was wearing a new toffee coloured  Juicy with bronze heeled Carvela trainers and a Louis Vuitton leopard scarf, gorgeous beige mulberry tote and leopard print carry on case - just in case you were wondering and juicy velour may be marvelous for doing long haul journey's in, but in warm countries, the toweling ones are better.  

So, at this point, I'm erm glowing and when I finally made it to the gate (which is where I'm typing this) I thought I'd take the jacket off - big mistake.  I'd worn a white vest top underneath and as I'd put my false tan on the day before (not wanting to use a sunbed but not wanting to arrive on the beach looking paler than pale) because I really was 'glowing' my tan had transferred to my top so not only did I have nasty sweat marks around my middle, they were a browny orange colour from my tan … Nice!

Awwww you've gotta laugh.  So I'm sitting at the gate, waiting to board, feeling very tired, hot and a bit sweaty.  Let's hope it'll be all worth it when I get there.  Right lovelies, more tomorrow, until then, be fabulous.

Lots of love

Jx

New Holiday Shinanigans!

Well you just knew that it couldn't start smoothly.  I guess I'd better backtrack at bit here.  Firstly, let me apologise for the lack of posts over the last few months - things have been decidedly hectic and actually I've got so much to tell you about:

1. I've gone for new eyebrow tattoos - hmmmm not great
2. I've been to my first 'Single's Night' with the lovely Justine - hmmmmmmm REALLY not great
3. I've seen numerous films (most of which have long since disappeared from movie theatres)
4. I've got new nails - false ones
5. Not least of all, I've bought my 74 year old dad an iphone for Christmas so that we can FaceTime while I'm away!

… plus a whole host of other things, most of which I can't remember (because I haven't written them down - that's what happens when I don't blog!).

Well, I will get to all of the above in due course, but what I wanted to spring on you (usually I have quite a build up to this) but I'm actually away on my jollyhollybobs …  I completely snook that one in!  I'm currently in the Departure lounge at Manchester airport (with a cheeky Prosecco, surrounded my numerous duty free items - the most coveted for me is Jo Malone's Pomegranate perfume -  my lovely friend Nicky was wearing a few weeks ago and I just loved it and had to have it!).

I'm also happy to announce that I have a new gadget that will help me write my posts more easily whilst I'm away.  Usually I use the crummy keyboard that comes on my iPad, but as I've just had new nails fitted and because I actually touch type rather than looking at the keys, I just couldn't type fast enough without it looking like gobbledygook, so I've invested in a new keyboard that my laptop slots into and that also doubles as a cover -  plus I've downloaded a  really fab App that let's me write and post pictures and links etc which are easily transferable onto my blog.  Fantastic … I'm loving it.

So, where am I off to?  Thailand,  Koh Samui , a small island off the coast of Thailand to be exact - for 3 whole weeks of R&R.  I've never been to Asia before nor have I ever been away for more than two weeks at a time - I'm also as usual, going on my own and I've got to be honest, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't more than a bit nervous.  

Why haven't have a gone to the Caribbean again?  Well it was going to cost at least 4 times as much for only 2 weeks, so it was a bit of a no brainer really.  I'm staying at one of those detox spas - you know the type, all yoga, raw food, meditation and colonics (although I hasten to add that they do have fabulous ratings for being the best restaurant on the island, and they do real food too - not just rabbit sh*t … I've checked!).  

A couple of weeks ago I had bronchitis, laryngitis, popped three ribs and 2 vertebrae (coughing) and my doctor told me, with a considerable flourish "What else did you expect when you haven't had any time off work for a year!?"  She then promptly informed me that my body was shutting down … nice!  So here I am, waiting for my pomme frites (chips to you and me - well my UK readers anyway) with my second glass of prosecco writing this.

Now I've given you the background, let's get back to what I started with …. You couldn't expect it to go smoothly … remember the time that the zip broke on my case when I was putting it into the taxi on the way to the airport? Or the time my suitcase went missing?  Well, it's not quite that bad, but it's not that good either!

My beautiful friend Gemma asked me if I wanted her to drive me to the airport as a taxi was going to cost £70 return - well, I kindly accepted her gracious offer, how could I refuse?  She picked me up with more than enough time (I learned that one from the case debacle) and we made it to the airport with ooodles of time to spare.

I said my goodbyes and headed off to check in.  Beforehand I'd very carefully weighed my main bag (and got quite excited when I realised that with Emirates you get 30KG allowance … wooooohooooo) and as I thought I may want to bring quite a bit back, I decided not to fill to capacity, but to put quite a bit in my hand luggage … mistake … HUGE mistake.

I got to the checkin and the lovely lady said that she needed to weigh my hand luggage - that's never happened to me before - she said, "Sorry but your 3KG over limit" me … PANIC!  Then she said, "Let's weigh your main bag" and low and behold, that came in at 26KG, so she said, "quickly transfer as much stuff as you can into your big bag" which I did without question.  She weighed it again, "that's fine" phew!

She then handed me my boarding passes told me that the plane was running 80 minutes late, when she registered my panic (I had two other connecting flights) she calmly informed me that I still had plenty of time to get my connecting flight at Dubai to Bangkok and I was free to leave.  

I wandered over to passport security and on the way somehow  managed to tear my boarding pass (does this stuff happen to anyone else or is it really just me?).  I asked the gentleman at the boarder pass bit whether it would be a problem and apparently it would, so I had to go back and get another printed and marched back to passport control, entered the barriers no problem, stripped off all my jewellery etc (cos I always set those damn alarms off), waited to be called through the scanner and was extremely happy when the alarm didn't go off.

However, my elation was short lived, my hand luggage got sectioned off to search.  My heart sank … now, you're probably thinking, so what? This is normal stuff, but I have such a phobia about passport control that it really does freak me out.  Cut another long story short, I had put my liquids in a clear plastic bag but forgot about the foundation (and other cosmetics) that I keep in that bag ever since I forgot my makeup when I was on a business trip about 6 months ago (I think I told you about that).  I'm such a mad woman - so that anguish was entirely self inflicted as it usually is.

Anyway, we are where we are … I've written my first blog post for ages, I've shopped, I've had Prosecco and chips, so actually, it could always be worse!

Tune in tomorrow for more updates on my epic journey … I just realised that I haven't mentioned, I fly from Manchester to Dubai, from Dubai to Bangkok and then Bangkok to Koh Samui - 24 hours traveling time, so I'm sure there'll be loads more to tell you about.  Until then lovely people, be fabulous.

Lots of love

Jx

R.I.P.D. - Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

 

Two further quick film reviews!

R.I.P.D. ** (2 Stars)

I really wanted this film to be better than it was, but I’ll have to start with the negative ... if it wasn’t for Geoff Bridges' appalling Southern drawl it would have got a 3 stars.  Unfortunately, he used the same utterly dreadful accent that he used when he played a cowboy in ‘True Grit’.  His drawl was so ‘drawly’ that I really needed subtitles ... I just couldn’t understand him and it was so infuriating – I got completely transfixed on his awful accent that I really couldn’t relax and enjoy the film.

I remember having to re-watch True Grit with the subtitles on when it came out on DVD because I really couldn’t understand a word he was saying.  So unfortunate that he chose the exactly the same accent for this film too.

OK, I’ll try and move on now ... basically if you liked the Men in Black movies, in all likelihood you’ll like this too.  In fact I think you could have swapped Bridges and Ryan Reynolds (who was the best thing about it ... yum!) for Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones and it would have been difficult to tell if it was part of that franchise or not!

So what’s it about?  Well in a nut shell, a cop (Ryan Reynolds) is brutally murdered by his partner Kevin Bacon (haven’t seen him in anything but EE ads for a while ... that was a bit of a surprise) and ends up being recruited by the Afterlife Police in order to hunt down dead people, who refuse to die.  Sounds a bit gruesome, but its very tongue in cheek with the ‘dead people’ being rather demon like (in a Men in Black 'alien' type way).

That’s enough of all that now ... go and see it if you really like Men in Black and could bear Bridges awful accent in True Grit ... have I sold it to you?  Here’s the trailer...
 

 

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters ** (2 Stars)

This was bloody awful – and probably shouldn’t have the same score as the film above because it was far worse.  If you’ve got a 12 year old boy, he’d probably love it, but that’s as far as it went for me.

Percy, the son of Poseidon, teams up with his Demigod (half God/half human) friends to try and find the Golden Fleece in order to save a tree (yes, honestly – well a tree that grew out of a girl that got killed years before by a Cyclops – yes, honestly!). The story follows their journey.  I still can't figure out why it was called Sea of Monsters though ... hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Here’s the trailer, but I definitely can’t recommend it!!! ...
 

 

 

Right lovelies, until next time, be fabulous!

Lots of love

Jx

 

 

The Mortal Instruments - Riddick - Insidious 2

It’s been ages since I’ve done any film reviews, so I thought that I’d better get my backside in gear.  So without further ado...

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones ***** (5 Stars!)

I loved this film and had to award it a mega 5 stars.  I’m reading the book at the moment too and whilst it’s very different from the book (aren’t they always) I thoroughly enjoyed it.  The story centres on a young woman, Clary, whose world is turned upside down when her mother is attacked and goes missing.  As a result, Clary finds out that her mum is a Shadowhunter, a secret group of half angel warriors to keep the peace between humans and the Downworld.  As she finds out more and more about her past, she enters into a world of demons, warlocks, vampires, werewolves and other deadly creatures.

I bloody love that stuff and thoroughly enjoyed it.  I guess you could say that it was a bit of a teen film, a bit of a cross between Harry Potter and The Hunger Games – so if you like those kind of films, you love this too!  Gotta be quick though, cos I don’t think it’ll be on for much longer.  Here’s the trailer...

 

Riddick **** (4 Stars)

I really enjoyed this film (nothing to do with the fact that it contains the rather gorgeous Vin Diesel you understand ... yeah right ... my enjoyment was in direct correlation to the fact that the film was pretty much Vin the whole way!) however, it didn’t get 5 stars because it didn’t really have too much of a story (however, because it contained Vin with his bulging muscles out for a good 99% of the film, I can overlook that!). 

The story ... at the end of the last film, Riddick was betrayed and left for dead on the sun-scorched planet that film centred around.  He finds himself having to fight for his life against more strange alien creatures’ hell bent on killing him.  He discovers a bounty hunter hut and triggers some intergalactic alarms which alert some deadly bounty hunters to his whereabouts.  He then has to pit his wits not only against the bounty hunters but on the planet’s encroaching alien inhabitants.

If you like the other Riddick films, no doubt you’ll like this too.  Here’s the trailer...

 

Insidious 2 *** (3 Stars)

Hmmmmmmm I don’t know what happened here.  I did really like the first one and I was really looking forward to this however, I don’t think I was in the right frame of mind when I went to see it.  I’d had some disappointing news and was in a pretty bad mood (I very rarely do bad moods, but you really don’t want to be around me when I do ... I don’t like being around me then either and I hadn’t had time to ‘adjust’ my thinking before I left the house).  To be honest, I don’t think anything would have scared me when I was in that mood ... in fact, I think if you’d have bumped in to me when I was on my way to the cinema, I would have been far more scary than anything you could have seen on screen!  I’d have given that kid in the Exorcist a run for her money.

Anyway, I digress, back to the film ... If you saw the last film, you’ll remember there being an old witch that seemed to have returned from the dead.  This film follows her story and her fight to stay in the mortal realm.  As the story progresses, we find out her story and what she did to her son.  We also find out the family’s father’s relationship to the mad woman too. 

It’s defo worth a watch ... just don’t go in a bad mood – let the film scare you, not the other way round!

 

By the way, when I came out of the film, I’m happy to announce that I was back to my normal self ... phew!

I have watched other films lately, but they’re no longer on my local cinema, so here’s a very quick rating:

Pain and Gain * (1 Star) – shockingly bad – 2 hours I’ll never get back

Elysium **** (4 Stars) – really enjoyed this one – Matt Damon was brilliant

Right lovelies, until next time, be fabulous!

Lots of love

Jx

THE Worst Date EVER!

Well this my lovelies is the king of kings, le grand fromage, the icing on the cake ... the BIG one!  Last night I had the date to end all dates.  Let me start at the beginning... this guy had mailed me a while ago, but his pictures where all ‘bare chest and abs’ and I have to be honest, whilst you can’t help but find that attractive, the type of men who usually pose like that on a dating website are on the whole real tossers (if you’re not British you probably won’t get that comment, but let me tell you, it’s not complimentary).

However, when I had a closer look at this one’s profile, he said that he was a psychotherapist and ‘not to judge a book by its cover’ (you’ll understand what he meant by that in a bit) so with a little persuasion from some of my friends (you know who you are!) after a few emails, I decided to give him my number.  Again, the signs were there, but I chose to ignore them ... for some reason he was another one of those who decided that it’s better to Whatsapp me instead of ringing ... do I never learn! 

Now, as you know, I wouldn’t usually bother with him if he didn’t bother ringing, but my lovely friend Gemma said, “Look, you know that people just don’t speak to each other these days, it’s all done by text, so you need to go with it and see what happens” ... (yeah, great, thanks for that one Gemma!).  Oh and I must point out here that I did show his picture to a few of my friends (including Gemma) who, rather than actually using words, used some rather unusual noises ... along the lines of “phwoar” – to show their appreciation, so I thought he couldn’t be all bad!

I’ll cut a chunk out of the story here, because there are more important things to get to ...

We arranged to meet yesterday ... I happened to be in Scotland and had a 3 hour trek back, which I managed to do with relative ease.  I got home in good time and managed to curl my hair, have my nails done (thanks for the short notice appointment Joanne!), be showered with makeup on and out the door by 6.45 (no mean feat I can tell you!). 

On the way to the pub, I got a message from him saying that he was early and there already (“Bonus” I thought, considering my considerable issues with people being late).  When I’d parked up, I messaged him asking him where he was.  He came back with “I’m in the blue sports car” – the only car that I could remotely see that was blue, let alone a sports car was a bright blue Subaru ... I remember thinking, “It can’t be him, that’s a kid’s car” you know, loud, flash and no substance.  But next minute, he emerges ... all 5’8” of him!  Now, I know my maths is not good, but whenever did 6’ become 5’8 ... I felt that familiar sinking feeling in my stomach.  He came strutting over and there ... right in front of my eyes ... was this funny little old man! 

“Hiya” he said, “I’m Paul” I can’t imagine the shocked look on my face.  On his profile he said he was 45 and 6’ tall when in reality I’d be surprised if he was a day under 60.  “I know what you’re gonna say” he said, “I’m not 45, I’m 57.  I just put 45 because women don’t want men over 45 – I know loads of blokes who do it.  By the way, it’s a good job you’re only local, I’d never have bothered to travel to meet you” I could barely breath ... I swear to God I was starting to hyperventilate!

We walked into the pub, me in stunned silence (not that I could have got a word in edgeways), we went to the bar and while we were waiting to be served, I noticed a really weird whistle as he talked.  There was also something moving in his mouth that wasn’t his tongue and he had a funny kind of lisp.  Then realisation dawned ... it was the palette that secured his false teeth in place!!!!!  OMG, with the shock of that lil gem, I actually thought I might pass out from the shock.  Every part of my being was shouting “Run! Run!”

We ordered drinks, with him telling me how he won’t ever travel more than 15 minutes to meet a woman, “because no woman is worth more than that” and when our drinks came and the bartender asked for £7.50 he said, “How much!!!! Good God woman that’s daylight robbery!” *Cringe*

Now, you’re probably thinking why I didn’t leg it (ie run away very quickly) at that point, but I can only describe it as being paralysed!  I think I was a bit in shock.  I asked him what he does for a living (remember his profile said that he was a psychologist) and he said, “Oh I’m a student – I’m learning to do a bit of counselling, but I’m only doing it for the money – I can’t stand listening to people whinging ... I’m not a tree hugger or owt and I won’t help anyone who won’t pay me”

Now, one of my biggest values is to always help people whenever and wherever I can – that’s massively important to me and it’s the way I try to live my life, whether people pay me or not is irrelevant.  My philosophy has always been, if I can help someone I will, so his view was so far removed from mine, it was further confirmation that he was a bone fide knob (not that I needed it ... in retrospect, how much confirmation do you need!).

We took a seat and then he went on to tell me about the last women he met on the dating site and how she was an escort and a pole dancer.  He then tried to explain to me about the men she met and the sordid things they got up to ... I stopped him there, very abruptly and said that I didn’t want to know.  If everything inside me wasn’t screaming ‘RUN’ before, it was now.  I remember thinking, “OMG how can I get out of this? ... I need to get away from him NOW!” Next minute, his phone rang and he picked it up.  I thought he was going to turn it off, but he just said, “Oh its Matty ... Hiya Matty” He’d only gone and answered it!

Now, I’ll never know what snapped inside me, but my subconscious must have sensed it’s chance at freedom and I leapt up, grabbed my bag, said, “I’m off” and I legged it! I did all that without any conscious thought ... and I ran, literally ran out of the pub, through the car park, dived in the car, slammed down the lock, shoved the car into drive and wheel spun out of the car park!

... And how long do you think the whole date took?  I got out of the car at 7.00 pm to meet him and I got back in the car at 7.17 pm.  Seventeen minutes that date lasted and that was 17 minutes too long.  I’ll never forget the look on his face when I bolted for the door.  That will stay with me for as long as I live! 

Looking back on it, I can’t help but laugh every time I think of the funny sound he made when he was talking and sucking on his palette!  And what is the positive in this? (As you know, my philosophy is always to look for the positive) ... my story has made so many people laugh today ... its spread a bit of happiness.

Right lovelies, that’s me for another day.  Until next time, have a wonderful weekend and be fabulous.

Lots of love

Jx

PS As my friend Ronnie pointed out, this post has taken longer to write than the date! lol

Scotland - Fire-Fighters - Cow Print Onesies

 

Well I had a very strange week last week and I had to tell you about my rather eventful trip to The Frozen North ie Scotland, this’ll only be a quickie, but it was all quite amusing... 

I’ve got to be honest, despite only living about 200 miles away, I’ve only ever been to Scotland once and I didn’t see much then because by the time I got past the Lake District, it fogged, in fact it fogged the whole way to Glasgow and the whole time I was in Glasgow and the whole way home the next day, so I never saw a thing!

I was asked by a client to go and do some work for them in Glasgow at really short notice.  I don’t mind travelling (as you know) and a couple of hundred miles is nothing in comparison to some places I have to go to and I love just getting in the car and driving – it’s good thinking time.

The drive up was pretty uneventful, although my brakes did start to make a few strange noises and I vowed to have them looked at when I got back.  I got to the client’s premises and did what I needed to do, then hot tailed it to the hotel.  Premier Inn (booooooo) I keep expecting Lenny Henry to pop out every time I have to stay in one of those.  I guess they’re clean but unbelievably basic!

I dumped the bags and had dinner in the Beefeater pub next door (oh the glamour!).  I know it would bother a few people having dinner on their own, but I’m so used to it now with all the travelling I do that I don’t even notice.  I take my Kindle with me too, so I don’t look like a complete ‘Billy No Mates Freak’!  I happen to have the belief that you’re invisible as long as you’re reading – plus you don’t notice if anyone’s staring.  I have to be honest, it had been quite tough day, so I did have a couple of cheeky glasses of Pinot ... to help me relax you understand – purely for medicinal reasons!

When I got back to the room and turned the TV on, I was surprised (don’t know why really) but I was surprised to see a programme about obesity in Scotland (on the same channel in England they were showing Master chef ... the irony was not lost!).  On that programme they were concerned with the general diet of the Scottish people and showed a range of ‘fried’ and unhealthy products such as macaroni cheese pies and Scotch Egg pies plus they interviewed lots of people coming out of a football match and asked them to name certain fruit and veg.  One guy in his forties didn’t know what a pineapple was and they interviewed a woman who did basic cookery courses who said that some people didn’t even know what a carrot was, let alone how to peel one!  Now I’m sure that’s not just Scotland, but it really does make you think! 

Shortly after that, I fell asleep – it was obviously due to the fact that I was really tired, not the wine you understand.  About 4.30 well 4.26 to be exact, I was rudely awakened by the hotel fire alarm *groan* and it was quickly clear that it was an ‘all out’ alarm ... booooooo. So I scrambled out of bed, pulled on my suit over my big t-shirt that I was sleeping in (it could have been worse, it could have been something frilly or nothing at all ... if I’m ever going to forget some item when I’m going away, it’ll be nightwear!) I squeezed my feet into my 5” Kurt Geiger's and made my way downstairs with the throng – oh and I just HAD to be on the top floor!

10 minutes later, the 2 Scottish Fire Engines arrived.  “Hmmmmmm could be worse!” I commented to a fellow female bystander – who just kind of glared at me – she’s obviously not into the whole fire fighter thing ... freak.  A veritable army of burley fire-fighters filed out with me throwing them my most alluring smile (in my nightie and suit combo) and thinking I was doing really well for 4.30 in the morning.  All the tooing and froing went on for about half an hour and then they piled back into their fire engines and we were allowed back in.

As I followed the horde back in (and boy there were some sights I can tell you, I may never be the same again after what I saw that night – puts some of the horror films I’ve seen into a cocked hat!) I saw a view that I hope I’ll never have to see again ... a short, VERY rotund lady in her late 40’s with a brown bob wearing a cow print onesie!  The sight of that cow print being stretched across her humongous backside together with deep VPL lines will stay with me forever.  I swear to God I’m scarred for life – it was enough to give the toughest tough guy nightmares!

When I eventually got back to the room still reeling from the fright of ‘Cow Arse’, but feeling quite smug at the lovely, yummy fire fighters I’d been able to ogle (like I always say, you have to always look for the positive) until I looked at myself in the mirror.  No wonder I was getting odd stares, my hair resembled an 80’s mail rock icon (it was mental!), my mascara (which I had thought I’d expertly removed before I went to bed) was smeared all down my cheeks, coupled with the ‘nightie’ effect – what a horror ... Oh the shame.  No wonder I was getting odd looks for the fire fighters. I guess it serves me right for dreadful thoughts directed against ‘Cow Arse’!  It was 6.00 am when I feel asleep – the alarm went off at 6.15! Humph. 

As if that wasn’t bad enough, when I finally clambered a bit too sleepily into the car, my brakes made the nastiest, crunchiest noise ever ... hmmmm not good ... Talk about metal on metal, I was actually quite scared.  Luckily the lovely men where I happened to be working had a look at it when I got there (I only had to do 3 miles) and replaced my two back brake pads for me for free.  Bonus ... so all’s well that ends well!

Right lovelies, that’s me for another day.  Until next time, be fabulous.

Lots of love.

Jx

The Conjuring - The Heat

I saw another couple of really good films at the weekend that I would highly recommend, both very different, but equally enjoyable.

The Conjuring

If you like jumpy films, then this is for you.  I can’t say that it was scary, scary, but it certainly made you jump.  I actually found it really amusing watching the people in front of me jump as much as I did – in fact, I can’t remember the last time that a film had such a consistent ‘jump factor’!

Based on a true story and set in the 1970’s (don’t be put off by that), this film tells the tale of a family who move into their new house only to be plagued by evil spirits.  They approach two paranormal investigators who help them to confront a powerful demonic entity in the most terrifying ordeal of their careers.

I love this type of film and whilst the story was no different from all the other ‘haunting’ films, it was very well done. The tempo was kept up throughout the film (as where the scares!) and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  Definitely worth a watch, here’s the trailer…

 

The Heat

I loved this too, but for totally different reasons … it really made me laugh and brought together a brilliant partnership in Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy (I’ve loved her ever since Bridesmaids – I still laugh out loud every time I see that film … I think she’s fabulous).

Sandra Bullock plays a straight laced FBI officer hell bent on promotion with a reputation for being super arrogant and super-efficient finds herself teamed up with the exact opposite, a foul mouthed, risk taking, street smart cop with a very short fuse.  Neither has ever had a partner and when they both find themselves in the unhappy position of having to work together, sparks fly.

This was funny from start to finish.  Melissa McCarthy was brilliant – her comic timing next to Sandra Bullock’s ‘straight man’ persona was a double act made in film heaven.  If you fancy a light hearted giggle (but don’t mind oodles of foul language!) and are a fan of films like Bridesmaids, then The Heat is for you.  Here’s the trailer… (It contains swearing - Including the F Bomb!!!  Lots of F Bombs!)...

 

Right lovelies, things to do, people to see ... more dating tales tomorrow.  Until then, be fabulous!

Lots of love

Jx

The World's End - Now You See Me

The World’s End

I haven’t done any film reviews for a while and I’m getting a bit bored of the dating stuff, so thought I’d better catch up!  Last week I went to see a particularly dire film ‘The World’s End’ starring the same guys from two of my favourite British films, Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz.  As you can imagine, I was really looking forward to it and as it had really good reviews, I couldn’t wait to see it.

However, I don’t think I’ve ever been so disappointed and I actually considered walking out because I was so bored.  It was petty, childish, completely ridiculous nonsense.  So what’s it about? 20 years after attempting an epic pub crawl which they never managed to complete, five childhood friends reunite when one of them, the ‘Leader’ becomes hell bent on finishing what they started.  He attempts to get the old gang back together, dragging them back to their home town, when things begin to take a sinister turn and they end up in an unexpected struggle to save mankind. 

It was rubbish and so ‘out of this world’ that it left me completely cold ... think p*ss poor as in, “Lesbian Vampire Killers” and you’re on the right track, it was just awful ... I actually felt quite embarrassed for them!  Here's the trailer, just in case you're mad enough to want to go and see it...

Now You See Me

Now this, on the other hand was excellent, I thought it was a gripping film.  Whether that’s because it was full of sleight of hand, mentalism, hypnosis and magic, all of which I am extremely interested in and have studied in depth (apart from the magic bit!) I’m not sure, but I thought it was really original, I couldn’t foresee what was going to happen, it was fast passed and really kept you involved.

The Story – Four brilliant illusionists (Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Ruffalo, Woody Harrelson and Isla Fisher) are brought together to form one spectacular Vegas act.  During the performances, they pull off a series of daring heists against corrupt business leaders.  The super-team shower the stolen profits on their audiences while staying one step ahead of an elite FBI squad in a game of cat and mouse.  Here’s the trailer:

Yesterday I saw The Conjuring and The Heat, so I’ll review those for you and post tomorrow.  I also want to see The Wolverine and Red 2, but I’m a bit stuck for time!  Hopefully I’ll manage to see them this week.

Until next time lovelies, be fabulous.

Lots of love

Jx

Mr Caterer

This one is quite disappointing actually – I really thought this one looked rather promising, well he looked good on paper at least and I liked him as much as you can when you haven’t met or even actually spoken to someone!

Mr Caterer had his own business (yes, you guessed it, a catering one), he was tall and reasonably good looking (that’s 3 boxes ticked straight away).  After the usual few emails we swapped numbers and started to text – this was around the last Bank Holiday weekend.  He asked me when I was free as he didn’t want to wait a long time to meet up.  I told him that I was available Sunday and Monday, but then it would be the next weekend as I was working away.  He said that he would see what he could do – I felt so special!  

Then he started to send me pictures … now this is novel, unlike the other self-obsessed numpties, he sent me pictures of his food creations and I have to be honest, if they tasted as good as they looked, then he was a keeper!  They were stunning … the deserts were those very delicate ones peppered with real flowers.  Gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous.

Well we continued to text over the weekend and he didn’t get back to me about Monday evening, however, late Monday he sent me a picture of an empty plate telling me that he’d just been for a very enjoyable curry!  So clearly the curry was more important than meeting me and I have to be honest, I was a little put out that he didn’t want to meet but thought he must have his reasons (ie he was probably on a date with someone else!).

As I said earlier, I was away from the Tuesday to the Friday and I got quite a few texts from him on the Tuesday, a few less on the Wednesday, even less on the Thursday and on the Friday they had diminished to a mere ‘x’.  An ‘x’ – what are you supposed to reply to that?  I don’t think you could actually put less effort in, apart from not texting at all.  So at that point, I decided to give up.  It was Friday, he hadn’t asked me out for the weekend, although he knew I would be home and if he couldn’t be bothered to speak to me during the week and had reduced his texts to the barest minimum, then I was wasting my time.  Over the weekend, I got a couple more ‘x’, then a ‘where are you?’, then a ‘aren’t you talking’ (obviously not!) but I didn’t bother responding.

A couple of weeks later, I got an email from him through the website saying, “What happened?  Why did you stop texting me” I couldn’t resist replying as I was a bit disgruntled, saying, “Because I was wasting my time, you didn’t bother to call me or to ask me out and therefore, I have to think you just want a text pal and I’ve got plenty of those thanks.”  He replied, “I thought you were busy” … Thought I was busy!  He couldn’t be bothered more like and was just keeping me warm in case his other dates didn’t work out (they must think you’re stupid!) and he added, “Can I call you?”  Well as I was away on my own on business feeling particularly bored, I told him that he could.  And what do you think happened?  ... He didn’t call!  What is the matter with these people?!

 A couple of weeks after that I got another email from him saying, “I’m just coming to the end of a particularly busy period, can we start again?” I do have to point out here that over this period, whenever I logged on to the website, which to be fair wasn’t that often, he was always online – so he couldn’t have been THAT busy … not with work anyway.  I didn’t even bother replying, DELETE … NEXT!

I think I should point out here that all the stories I’ve been telling you about have been going on since Christmas, they haven’t just happened over the course of a month and I have met some nice people, interesting people, however, we just haven’t been right for each other for various reasons – however, those don’t make interesting reading!

Right lovelies, that’s me for another session!  Until next time, be fabulous.

Lots of love

Jx

Mr Stalker

Well, I guess it was inevitable – you go on a dating site for long enough and you’re going to get a stalker.  With mine, I can’t really remember what it was about him precisely that gave me the heeby geebies with him, but something rattled my cage.  This is the story…

This rather reasonable looking guy sent me a message, I looked at his profile and while he didn’t have the best job in the world, from his pictures, he looked reasonably good looking (which is a bonus – so many men in their 40s really do not look after themselves and many who do, tend to love themselves with pictures of them half naked and wouldn’t consider going out with a women in her 40’s – one man actually wrote, “Although I’m 44 I look and act much younger and therefore would never consider going out with a woman around the same age because I don’t want people thinking that I’m out with my mum”!!! Bloody cheek … and let me tell you, he wasn’t all that!)

So I mailed this guy back and long story short, we swapped numbers … next came the onslaught of pictures of himself (I’ve already talked about my hatred of men sending me unsolicited pictures of themselves … especially as they were identical to those on the dating site).  So that put me off right away however, he did ask me out on a date which I agreed to – this was the Thursday and our date was to be the Sunday.

Over the next couple of days, I started to get a really bad feeling about him and if I’ve learned anything over the years it’s to listen carefully to my gut feelings about people.  The only time I’ve ever gone really wrong in my life is when I’ve had a bad gut feeling about something but let my head rule and overridden it.  I don’t know what it was about this guy, it’s not that he really said or did anything to upset me, I just got such mega strong vibes that I decided not to progress and stopped texting him back by the Saturday.

That’s when he started to send me weirdy emails saying things like “Why have you dumped me?” “I demand to know what I’ve done” “How dare you do this to me?”

Do what?  I hadn’t done anything.  I didn’t know him from Adam and hadn’t even spoken to him.  The Sunday he sent me a barrage of them, which I decided the best way to deal with them was to ignore them.

The following week, I kept getting more odd texts from him saying things like, “Hi, how’s your day” and “What are you up to today?” – Now given that I didn’t respond to any, don’t you think that’s a bit weird?  That week I got a couple of emails from him through the site too saying, “Why have you dumped me? Lol” Again, I didn’t reply because this has sort of happened before and I find if you totally ignore them, then they leave you alone.

A couple of weeks later, I got an email from a guy calling himself The Tall One which just said, “Hello little one, how are you?”  I looked at this guy’s profile and he sounded quite nice (although he didn’t have a picture) so I mailed him and said, “Sorry, I don’t correspond with people without pictures for obvious reasons”  He sent one back with his telephone number saying, “Here’s my number, text me and I’ll send you a picture”

I didn’t do anything with it, but I did think it a bit odd that he didn’t just attach a picture to his email (there is a facility for that).  A couple of hours later, however, I got another text from Mr Stalker saying, “Hey, how’s things” and I don’t know what made me link the two together, but I decided to check his number against the number of the ‘Incognito Man’ … and you’ll never guess what?  They were one and the same!  I immediately emailed Mr Incognito and said, “I don’t know what you’re game is but BACK OFF!” I then reported him to the site administrator, blocked him and deleted his emails. 

I thought that was the end of it, but yesterday, I received another email through the website from Mr Stalker … wow, these guys really don’t know when to give up … saying, “Hiya, what’ve you been up to” … DELETE, BLOCK, NEXT!

I don’t doubt that I’ll hear from him again, he’s clearly a bit obsessed – weird that someone can get a fixation about a person that they’ve never even met or even spoken to.  It’s also weird that I had such bad vibes about him.  What would have happened if I’d actually met him and didn’t like him?  The mind boggles!  Ah well, it all adds to life’s rich tapestry (or so someone told me at the weekend!). 

More dodgy dealings next time ... there’s still loads to tell you about!  Until then, my lovelies, be fabulous!

Lots of love

Jx